🩸​Badblog Diaries 🩸​ ⦻

 Sorry, I don't have a title for this one

I feel strange to myself, as if I were in someone else’s body.

These days have been feeling kind of lame and I’ve been feeling  down also, the thing is that sometimes Idk why exactly.  I have everything I need as a teenage girl, both parents alive, a house, food, education…but somewhat I feel so strange, like I shouldn’t be here at all.

Maybe it is because of this feeling of loneliness that has gotten into me lately. I know every sadness and bad moments in life are temporary, but this one has been sticking to me most of the time, sometimes it goes away, and then it comes back again, very easily I must say.

This worries me too much sometimes that I overthink, what if it stays with me forever? I wouldn’t want that at all ofc, I don't  want to spread these melancholic attitudes to anyone in my circle whom I consider important and close. I guess that’s why I don’t talk about this to almost anyone, not until it really shows. 

Two months have passed since I started uni, and I must say sometimes I feel kind of disappointed with my social progress. Most of the people in my class have got a friend or a friend group already, most of the people in my class are only girls. I thought this way I could get along with almost everyone, since I don’t get along with boys too much, but I was kind of wrong. 

The only girls I talk to just come to me to talk about homework, asking what the teacher assigned as homework or something like that. While with the other I just can’t keep a conversation within it for 5 minutes, they already got friends to keep themselves busy between the breaks. I know I might be rushing a little too much, it only has been 2 months. I have seen through social media experiences of people who don't make friends until their second year, or they didn’t even get one at all, and they graduated without having connections. It sounds realistic, but I wouldn’t like it to end like that, even if it’s my most realistic fate. 

Something I’m aware of is that I knoww I have to at least make an effort to talk to people first (because I can’t expect them to speak to me first, and all that...), but believe when I say I did! more than once, and most of them don’t even care or they just seem not to be into making conversations at all, that’s ok I get it, but it can get tiring when you already know that the people around you aren’t into it.

 It's like, you already know what to expect so you better not put any effort in something that isn’t really going to work out,  yk? This not only tires me out, but it also disappoints me; nothing is the way it’s made out to be, because you aren’t like other people. Everyone has different experiences, depending on how their personalities unfold. I guess mine doesn't unfold completely like how I want it to be. 

And sometimes I do feel a bit miserable, because I have talked to people I really got along with (even if just for a few moments) but they’re in different degree programs, so I see them too rarely to actually hang out with them. All of this makes me wonder... Why don’t I have classmates like that, with whom I could be so completely at ease?

I hope I can get out of this feeling soon, because I feel like I’m on autopilot here; I know this isn’t a feeling that will last forever, but while it’s happening, it’s something I wouldn’t wish for anyone to experience. I hope being an adult doesn't suck too much, always hungry for something that you never know what it is.